


Fear

by BuffyWoodhouse



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Manipulation, Episode: s03e12-13 The Coming of Arthur, Episode: s05e06 The Dark Tower, F/F, Fear, Implied Merthur, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 04:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5033167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuffyWoodhouse/pseuds/BuffyWoodhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwen never thought she'd be afraid of Morgana. Until she was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Coming of Arthur

**Author's Note:**

> For avada-aca-kedavra who requested Morgwen and fear in my ship/key word challenge. I hope you like it.

The familiar sounds of horses and people in the street awoke Gwen, as they always did. It was the first thing she was aware of in the mornings. The second thing was the glaring sunlight coming through her window which caused her to hide her face in her pillow. The third and final thing was her stomach rumbling, calling out for breakfast. That was what always surged her on to roll over and get up.

For almost a year Gwen had woken up with a sinking feeling whenever she remembered that Lady Morgana was still missing. For the first month it had hit her hard until she became numb to it. She anticipated the sadness before she was even conscious of what it was she was sad about. 

Then when Morgana had returned, she had felt the sadness threaten to take her before she remembered she needn’t be sad anymore. Once she had remembered that Morgana was safe, every morning had been started with prayer of thanks to whatever god or gods that had brought her home. Naturally, this wasn’t the end of her troubles. She knew that Morgana had been through an awful ordeal. She'd been kept in a cell for almost a year, after all. She’d been lost and scared and that kind of trauma would change a person. It was inevitable. At first Guinevere had tried to be understanding. If Morgana would be cold or short with her then she’d try to not take it to heart. Gwen thought of the time that she herself had been locked up in the dungeons and how jumpy she had been afterwards. The nightmares that had caused her had left her waking up in a cold sweat for weeks. She couldn’t imagine how Morgana must be suffering still, having lived that everyday for a  _year._

For months now the first thing she felt in the morning was thankfulness, followed by worry and dread. Gwen had mostly felt nervous around Morgana for a while. She spent a lot of her time planning how she could avoid the girl just so she didn’t have to endure the twisting feeling in her gut whenever Morgana snapped at her. Every time it happened Gwen felt betrayed. She knew it was unjustified because Morgana was her mistress and she her servant. If she displeased her then it was in Morgana’s right to chastise her. However, Gwen had always counted herself lucky to have such a kind and caring mistress and wasn’t used to being spoken to like an inconvenience. But something in Morgana had changed. She seldom spoke of others anymore. She seldom spoke to Gwen at all, in all honesty. Well she  _spoke_ but not like she used to. Her smiles felt forced, her speech almost hammed up, though Gwen had thought that she had been trying to hide her distress.

It had taken several months for Morgana to warm to Gwen again. For weeks she was given the brush off. She only got the time of day if it was to be told she wasn’t needed and to be stared down by the same piercing green eyes Gwen had always found comfort in. They had used to remind Gwen of the ocean. Whenever she would select fabric to make Morgana’s dresses she would always think of how they would bring out her eyes. She would get lost in Morgana's eyes. Now they were like glass to her. She felt as though if she looked into them too long they would slice through her. 

For the last few weeks she had been so much better. Gwen had thought that she was finally returning to her old self. Instead, this morning she was waking up with a new feeling tearing up her insides.  _Fear._

It had all happened so fast. Arthur and Merlin had gone on a secret mission and an immortal army had stormed Camelot, taking it with ease.

She’d stood in Morgana’s chambers, watching from the window terrified of what was to come. Gwen had believed Arthur would come and rescue them. She always believed Arthur would stop them like he stopped everything. As hope started to dwindle, she’d began to assess her chances. She was a woman, a woman of low class who could not be used to any advantage. Instead she stood with a high chance of being used in another way before dying horrifically. Guinevere wouldn’t allow it. She resolved then to take her own life if Camelot fell.

Then Morgana had appeared. One moment it had been normal, in the next had been a revelation that changed the way she saw her forever. While Gwen was fearing for her life, Morgana was calm. Morgana  _wanted_ them to come. Gwen’s stomach dropped. She felt her eyes burn with the sensation to cry but she fought against the desire to squeeze them shut and let them fall. The worst part was  _she’d known._ She’d known Morgana wasn’t to be trusted anymore when she’d seen her smirking after Gwen had been sentenced to death. She’d been so sure of it that she’d told Merlin about it. But nothing had come of it. When Gwen had been saved Morgana had embraced her. She was so pleased to have her back and Gwen almost felt guilty for ever doubting her. Yet there was still that nagging feeling telling her that something was wrong. Now she knew.

“You know I have always been loyal to you, Morgana.” Gwen smiles instead, her survival instinct kicking in. “And I always will be.” She’d worked in service her whole life. She knew how to fake pleasantries.

“Then have no fear.” Morgana grinned warmly but Gwen felt anything but reassured. “No harm will come to you, I can promise that.”

She’d hugged her then and Gwen felt her body go cold. Morgana felt so stiff, so unreal. Images and memories of Morgana flashed through her mind. She saw her laughing and smiling. She remembered her sitting Gwen down so she could do her hair because she was oh so curious about the curls. She remembered her warm embraces and sincere compliments and expressions of adoration and admiration. Had that all been a lie? Had Gwen merely been blind to her treachery all along?

So now, here she was lying in her bed, about to face the day with Morgana as queen. Arthur had not returned. Her heart clenched thinking about him and Merlin knowing they were probably dead. That morning she didn’t eat breakfast. She would have only vomited it back up again.


	2. The Dark Tower

She’d been so determined. She’d been so desperate not to crack under the pressure. She’d never break her, she'd insisted to herself. Yet she was going to, wasn’t she? It was impossible for her not to.

“No children.” Morgana commented as she traced swirls into the dust on the table.

Gwen remained quiet and tried to still her shaking.

“Why is that?”

Gwen looked away trying to hide her humiliation. She didn’t answer.

“Is it you?” Morgana asks boldly. “No, it’s Arthur isn’t it? I’d say it isn’t for the lack of trying but…” she sniggered. Gwen closed her eyes and wished that she could be transported anywhere else but there. “What’s it been now? Three, four years? That’s a long time not to have an heir wouldn’t you say?” she raised her hands to examine the dust on them and let it fall to the floor.

Gwen didn’t give in. She didn’t want to give her any ammunition, any satisfaction.

“I was so jealous of him, you know?” Morgana says unexpectantly. She isn’t smirking anymore. She looked sad. “Arthur, that is.”

Gwen’s brow furrowed on her drained face. Of course Morgana was jealous of Arthur. He was the king. She had tried to take Camelot twice and had been defeated. Her jealousy was no secret.

“When I thought- when I thought that it was just an enchantment, I thought…” Morgana seemed to be seeing things Gwen could not and she suspected that Morgana had briefly forgotten that she was there. “But I suppose you’re just another thing Arthur stole from me; another thing that was rightfully mine.”

“I’m not a thing.” Gwen suddenly spoke. “I am not a right for someone to claim. I love Arthur because he is good and kind. I loved _you_ because you were good and kind too and now I despise you because you are a monster.”

Morgana’s eyes snapped up. In a swift movement she had stabbed a knife into the table and had stood up. Gwen flinched despite herself and prayed she didn’t urinate in fear. Morgana hadn’t let her relieve herself since she’d got there and she was too scared to ask. With how events had gone so far, she was sure Morgana would make it humiliating.

“AND WHO MADE ME THIS WAY?!” Morgana shouted. Her eyes bugged with the rage that threatened to explode within her. This was just the surface, Gwen knew. Nothing had shattered or gone flying across the room as yet. Gwen regretted speaking, she really truly did. Had she not, she might not have been shaking in her seat. She might have been able to maintain  _some_ semblance of composure. She felt like crying again. She wanted to resist but she felt the hot tear stream down her face before she could stop it. 

“Why are you crying?” Morgana screeched indignantly. “You have _everything!_ There is no need for _you_ to _cry._ ”

Gwen blinked and Morgana was suddenly behind her. Fingers laced in her hair that yanked her back against the chair.

“You have everything that is rightfully _mine._ ” Morgana hissed in her ear.

“Mor-Morgana!” Gwen begged.

“Oh, I know.” Morgana’s tone was suddenly soothing, but it was false. It was patronising. “I know your life isn’t perfect. I know you and Arthur sleep in separate beds while he _pounds_ his manservant." Morgana sniggered and Gwen flinched at the terminology. Images intruded her mind that she couldn't shake away. "I know you feel neglected and ignored. I know you wish you ran off with your beloved Lancelot before he threw himself to his death. I know you hate that wretched Merlin just as much as I do. Maybe even more.”

“No.” Gwen shook her head, silent tears still falling.

“Do you know what he did to me?” Morgana’s grip lessened on her hair and it turned into a caress. Gwen tried to wriggle away but Morgana grabbed her wrists and forced her to look into her eyes. “He tried to kill me. When I went missing for all those months he knew exactly what had happened to me. He poisoned me, tricked me into taking a drink of water, pretended to _care._ Then he watched me crumble and _choke_. He didn’t tell a soul what had happened while you were all searching for me. He sat back and watched you all grieve and didn’t say a word. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself and _Arthur._ And neither of them care about _you_.”

Morgana reached out to stroke Gwen’s cheek. Gwen shuddered but didn’t fight. Instead she hiccupped out a sob.

“I was so scared. I hadn’t done anything… I…” Morgana’s face was unreadable. “I trusted him. He taught me that no one is to be trusted.”

“Morgana,” Gwen gasped. Somewhere in the back of her mind she heard a voice chanting that she was a fool. It told her that this was what Morgana wanted and she was giving in, but she didn’t stop. “I didn’t know that had happened to you.”

“Of course, you didn’t. No one ever cares what happened to me to make me the way I am just that I _am._ ” Morgana whispered. "It's so much easier to blame the victim, isn't it?"

Gwen shrunk inside. 

 “Your betrayal stung me the worst.” She breathed into her ear. “How you told me you were loyal to me… and then ran off to your prince. I thought I could trust you. Above every one I _needed_ to trust you. Then you turn around and betray me, just like Merlin.” Morgana shook her head. “You were always the most important person to me and then you hurt me too.”

Gwen’s chest tightened. Morgana looked so sad.

“I’m sorry.” Gwen heard herself saying.

“That’s no good now, Guinevere. You’ve already broken my heart.”

Gwen started crying again in outrage. She’d woken up from her daze. _No._ Morgana would not have her. She would not have her mind.

“Do you think Arthur’s coming to save you? Is that it?” Morgana was cold again. “I bet he’s glad you’re gone. I bet he’s with Merlin right now in the bed that should have been yours!”

“No!” Gwen screeched.

“You know it’s true, Gwen. You’ve always known. I’m the only one you can trust. I’m the _only_ one who’s ever put you first!”

Gwen had lost all strength but gave one final shake of the head. “No.” She whimpered.

“That’s enough for today.” Morgana stated and stood up. Gwen immediately felt cold in her absence. Apparently Morgana was warmer than she thought. She was led back up to her cell and shoved inside. “I’ll be back in the morning.” Morgana said.

Gwen lay on the ground and broke down crying. She felt herself losing her mind in there. Regardless of the hour, she did not sleep. She saw visions of Arthur throughout the night. In one he was standing there with Merlin draped across him kissing his neck. Merlin turned to look at her with a smirk as if to say _you may be queen, but he is mine._ She’d screamed at them to go away. _It’s not them. It’s not them!_ She thought. Or maybe she spoke it, she couldn't tell anymore. They wouldn’t betray her like this.Arthurwouldn’tmake a mockery of their vows! But she knew it was true. She’d always known; she just hadn’t wanted to accept it. The taunting didn’t stop. They were everywhere. Even Elyan was laughing at her about it. She couldn’t go back. She couldn’t face these people again knowing that they _know_ that she’s a failure. A false queen.

The next morning, when Morgana came into the cell she’d never been more relieved.

“You’re back.” She smiled. She looked like she’d been dragged through a hedge. She’d pulled her hair out of how it had been carefully styled and her face was drained and drawn. She looked almost grey.

“I told you I would, didn’t I?” Morgana smiled softly and Gwen fell into her arms. “Oh, come now.” Morgana cooed. “You’re safe now, my darling Gwen. I’m here now.  There’s nothing to fear.“

The voice in her head that told her she was being tricked was gone. There was just Morgana, the only person she could trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it. If you spotted any mistakes, let me know.


End file.
